Till 17 I didn't believe that someone is capable to fall in love with me. And I loved everything in nature and all people. Where should I give my tenderness, such unrestrained and impetuous?! And I gave it to nature.
My mother considered love as something disgusting and forbidden and spoke about it with contempt. She was saying what that is a big shame to love someone and to give own attention. During the life neither the father, nor mother - never embraced me or kiss. There also was hidden a Creator's plan. If I was surrounded with a terrestrial love, I would never open a divine love in myself. And I am grateful to the Creator that he deprived of me terrestrial love of parents, but allowed in early age to live through a perversion of love and come through it to Divine love.
The mother hated the whole world, she swore on the chickens, on our cow, at me and shouted that all of us eat too much, and better if all of us would die. The phrases were rough and angry.
At home I tried almost not to eat and in summers I learned to get food in the forest or on the collective fields. In winters I had to eat at home, or at neighbors who had children, and we were on friendly terms and together spent much time. In day times it was possible to eat at school, so there was a way out, and I tried to depend on the mother as little as possible. The lesser you show on her eyes - less you receive insults and more you can dream.
The mother's abuse stream stopped only at night and therefore in the summer I hurried to do everything and run away to the scope of meadows, to the forest. There I poured out my tenderness to trees, grass, birds and insects. And of course having in myself such a fire of love, since the early childhood I dreamed of love to a human. Besides imaginations the requirement to love some human in the real world looked for a way and didn't find it because of fear to admit or show the feelings.
In these six years a gruesome story happened to me. An eastern Kazakh girl of 12 years old comes to live in our village. Her beauty was evoking an admiration and wonder in me. We had no such people. She reminded something to me, her black as night hair attracted my look. I couldn't have take my eyes of her. We made friends, I treaded on her heels, and she answered to my love, but in absolutely incomprehensible for me way. The girl, which name I don't remember, appeared a lesbian and made from me a passive partner. And in six years I learned those feelings, which probably called an orgasm. But I didn't find anything good in it, on the contrary, it was a most real bondage and tyranny over my soul though my body was taking part in it. I couldn't refuse her from weakness of my spirit, and it was unclear to me what is about that relations. I wanted to find an answer to question: why it is necessary and for whom?
It was so unusual to me and at first I liked our relations. We, if it possible to say so, made love on the shed's attic in a soft and fragrant hay. Actually I was a toy in her hands, and soon I began to feel some constraint and inconveniences.
A free person, even a child if someone does a toy from him, understands it, but by himself to exempt from the bondage was very difficult. But I was an unusual child. And therefore my story is fantastic and very instructive for all children and youth caught in a net of similar sin. And further we will understand ourselves.
She was coming to me every other day, we quietly made our way on the attic that nobody saw us, and she indulged in the passion, and I was a participant of her strange love, but nothing, except pressure upon my soul I didn't feel. And it seemed to me that exactly this slavery and pressure is passion and love.
And she was coming from the attic tired and reddened, and I melted away and paled with every day. As soon as the girl was leaving the home, I started feeling terrible concern and a heart-breaking melancholy. The melancholy tormented. I wanted to die immediately. I realized that in our relations something's not right - substitution, but not love. But she assured the six-year-old girl Masha that it is normal and it is love. And thus, this girl turned me off from terrestrial love, and in my soul a protest and revolt was stubbornly developing. How to express it, I didn't know. But I hated the attic and wanted an explosion or that all this failed.
At our meetings with her I felt falseness in everything and began to look for an exit. I ceased to sleep at nights, I thought a lot and remembered of God. I didn't find him in myself anymore. He completely disappeared and remained only in the grandmother's icon. It became an object of my careful research. For hours I looked in the face of the Mother of God and I asked:
“Where you hide?”
“Why you don't answer me?”
But the icon kept silence. I even looked for God behind the icon, but nothing except a web was there. And then I shouted to it:
“And that is you!?”
“A web and a board - and all?!”
“Why you deceive me?”
“I beg, appear, tell me something.”
“You - disgusting, you are not God, you are emptiness.”
“You can do nothing!”
“You hear, I declare a war to you.”
“That's it, I am not on a friendly terms with you any more!”
“Now you are my biggest enemy!”
So I shouted to myself, then I cried and again begged to help me to understand what is with me.
But the icon was silent.
And then, to spite God, I called the girl myself and, desperately having taken her by hand, I myself conducted her on the attic, and I gave myself into her hands untill dream and fatigue would possess me. Such I tried to evoke an attention of God to my personality. But God was silent as though nothing awful occurred in my life. And I couldn't tell about it to anybody. All needed to be solved by myself.
And so continued for the whole summer, until my torments became intolerable. And the more stronger were the torments of conscience, the more furiously I gave myself up to the girl, and such tried to revenge to God. Conscience, my conscience, an impossibility to get rid of this tyranny over my soul, began to undermine the organism and the physical forces. I not only became pale and emaciated, I began to feel weakness and pain, which tormented at night and burned down intolerably. But the father came only once a week from the earnings, and the mother didn't give a damn about me. In my six years old I felt myself as absolutely adult, and understood that I had to resolve this question myself, if God resigned.
Once I couldn't stand it, I looked at the icon with a dull hatred, and a plan ripened in the head. I took a sharp kitchen knife, put chairs one on another, checked whether strongly they stand and climbed on them. The Virgin's eyes strictly looked at me, without blinking. I lifted the knife and... enthusiastically with a wild pleasure began to scratch out her eyes. And I managed to scratch out a lot, and when the image of eyes almost disappeared, unexpectedly I heard a thunder of such force that became frightened, promptly slipped from the chairs, and, having thrown the knife, ran to hide. The fear in the heart alternated with an unexplainable delight.
“She answered me, answered!”
But the fear and hatred were stronger.
And I also knew that I revenged, and today purposely I will go to the attic with the Kazakh girl, let God see all for himself. We met, and went to the attic, and again I gave my self up to the power of this eastern girl. But her desires and passion are left somewhere, and I knew that this is the last time. I fiercely hated this Kazakh girl, and all her look roused in me a permanent disgust.
For the first time I began to tell to this girl everything that boiled in me, I spitefully asked her:
- “Don't you think that what we do is very bad, and God will punish us?”
She got very much surprised and told:
- "Nonsense, God DOESN'T EXIST!"
And suddenly I understood - something that so tormented me didn't disturb my girlfriend at all. So, that is why God was silent! She closed him from me! She covered God with herself, and I myself is guilty of it! It became for me awfully offensive. "How so? Means, she doesn't suffer as I do? And if she doesn't believe in God, for her this is pleasure and if I trust, for me it is torment." And I, cried out with despair:
“Lie! God exists, and you will learn about it! And how you will live then? You will respond for everything!”
And at this moment... the attic collapsed, and we, together with logs and boards, in hay, fell directly to cow's manure.
Thank God, that at this time there was no my cow, it was on a pasture, and nobody suffered. But the logs were new, and the attic was reliable! Now I understand that my desire to punish this dissolute and godless girl worked in such way, and my force destroyed the attic only by one thought to punish a sin and to be exempted from the bondage.
I strongly hit, but didn't feel any pain. There was a triumph of release and ease in the soul. I felt as iron pincers of invisible force released me, and the soul flew, and I became light and airy, and the whole world recovered and began to sound. God in the soul revived!!! He was and he is! Simply I lost him by mistake. Sin is so terrible that removes a communication with Mother Nature and God. But rescuing returns what was closed. And this is happiness and victory!!!
“You see, there is God!!! Go and never come back to me anymore, I don't want to see you!”
I said these words with such a will power and such spirit that the girl blew off, she ran away from me as from a leprous, with a huge sensation of fear in the eyes. She disappeared and never came again. Interesting that in a couple of days I passed by the house in which they lived and decided to see what's going on there. But a watchmen told that these people quickly gathered and moved in an unknown direction.
Now I think that this demonic being was specially sent to me to test me. And this test ended with my victory over the sin and over power of this demonic person. But then we knew nothing about demons, and I was simply glad that this delusion passed into nothingness.
And I mentally reconciled with God and very much regretted that scratched of the eyes to the icon, and prayed that the new eyes would grew. Strange thing is that through some time the icon really had the eyes, probably, some internal paint got shown - the icon was very ancient. I began to understand that I can do such things about which nobody told me. For me it was a miracle, and I signed a truce with God. But not for long.
But then I felt a greatest sense of relief, again there were forces and love, pure and light love to the world, to the boy whom I adored, and this love to everything overflowed me. The soul spring recovered. While meeting with this girl I was ashamed of the favourite boy, was ashamed of the father. It seemed to me that they know everything about it, and I didn't look for meetings neither with the boy, nor with the father.
The boy was for me as a god, not that on the icon, but another. It was my conscience. He was killed together with my bright dreams. The father too was a god, and his severe look pursued me everywhere. But my love revived with a new force. I didn't feel any shame, everything was forgotten, I returned to my meadows and the forest, and now my tenderness and embraces I gave to trees. And it was pure, sacred and without falseness.
I even forgave my mother, went on a visit to the grandmother by foot. The way seemed easy, and the grandmother, cheerful and tender, embraced me, and God again revived in me. Everything returned, I was happy, immensely happy. Life goes on, and God again smiles to me with the grandmother's smile, and I see in her myself.