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The fifth chapter of the book:
THE SHIP SETS OUT ON A VOYAGE TO SOME FAR COASTS
Dear friends, you recognized EACH OTHER by the smiles and shining of eyes? Now you understand everything and you will take in the travel the most necessary - a warm heart.
Together we will stock up with patience, and it will be our reserve of fresh water. Let everyone take his place.
I am your captain, do you agree? As a captain I won't appoint to you any positions, everyone will choose one by his liking. Your heart won't disappoint your Hopes. Everyone will remember what he wants in his life. And I am at the rudder. Our travel begins.
We float to the country of childhood. Look, what happened? The wind for some reason changed it's direction. It turns our ship. Where you bear us, wind? Why not in the childhood?
Friends, the wind whispered to me that we need to turn to the mysterious islands. I lived on these islands for more than 15 years, they kept my ship from everyday's storms.
On these islands I cut out the scarlet sails. We can't float in the childhood before getting glance at the islands of Hope and Grieves, the islands of poetry given to Vladimir Oksikovskii by God of Gods himself. He is my prophet. And without fate there is no way we get to the country of Childhood.
I already wrote that through this poetry I opened in myself the New World. I should also invite him on our ship. If I don't do it, I will be unfair. And I need to reveal to you
one very important secret.
Before meeting with poetry, I lived in a different way, somehow more simply, without grief. I dreamed a lot, the world for me was a rainbow. Some people even said to me that I lived as a butterfly. Of course, it is not so, but about something main, very painful, about me and my loved God I didn't guess.
I forgot about the father who went to a better world, his doctrine became a far away star. I always felt light of this star, but after death of the father didn't talk to it. Time works for dulling pain. And I lived without any memory and pain.
When He appeared, I write now the word "He" from the capital letter, SOMEBODY entered my life. Through Volodya's verses He began to speak with me. At this time I didn't precisely define who it was. Sometimes it began to seem to me that it is my father speaks with me, sometimes - that this is my God warns me, and sometimes it seemed that with me speaks a demon.
All in my life got mixed up. Sometimes it looked that God, Devil and my father agreed and act together. Now I sorted it out and it isn't important to me who was it - but I remembered that always unbelievably loved Him. After this meeting all course of my imaginations changed. I began to think and dream not as I want, but as he wrote in verses.
And he tempted me, checked for firmness! How he tempted me! Because of this unknown force that lived in his songs, I threw everything that saved for years of work, and like mad ran on other end of the earth. And then I came back empty, and I went to the opposite side, and I searched, searched...
You'd ask - for whom or what? Try to understand - before meeting with this force, I didn't read the Bible and didn't know at all what once there lived some Jesus Christ.
And suddenly I learn about him, I read the New Testament, and I remember him! Through the songs of Vladimir I found out about him even more. And I burst out.
I looked for Christ. You ask - what for?! Then I didn't know. This force just made so that at one mention of the name "Jesus" I started going crazy, cried, and love to him, love as persuasive memory, didn't allow me to live quietly.
A careless existence disappeared. A confusion entered my soul. To replace the happy life, full of adventures and meetings, an inexplicable and new hurricane of feelings rushed in. Before I liked all people in a row, I allocated nobody. I rejoiced by meeting with each new person, but by leaving, same quickly, was forgetting all of them.
Now some not passing feelings to one person whom actually I didn't see lodged in my heart. But for me he really existed, and the feeling for him passed into a chronic illness. I was ready to turn inside out distributing everything till the last straw as gifts. And people used this my weakness and undressed me to the last thread. And I wanted only one thing: to find him, my loved Jesus.
It became an obsession to the certain extent, or perhaps - a mental disease. And my tempter threw to me new and new situations. I wanted to meet with Jesus. I cried and searched, searched. The tempter was given me some new and new people calling themselves by his name. And I, as a police dog, having felt a familiar smell, rushed by traces like mad, and trusted - He is here! I found Him! But, sniffing more carefully, suddenly I was understanding - yes, yesterday he was here. But today he isn't present! He disappeared!!!
And - a pain of loss, and again -search. And years went on. And Jesus still isn't present. To tell more precisely: He exists, He was, but again hid from me. Then I discovered that this SOMEBODY as though plays hide-and-seek with me.
Here is a person. I meet him and for sure, without deception I see in him the beloved. That's it - he lives in this person! But time passes, and the spirit which I so loved in him, suddenly evaporates! It disappeared again!
Means, he is on Earth! Only travels from one soul to another. Why he doesn't want to settle in one person? Maybe he scoffs over me! That's it. I won't look for him anymore. He is imperceptible.
That can't be! Well, I will try to deserve his love, but how?
I tried all the ways. But couldn't deserve his love. And then I began to look for a way how would be possible to catch Christ's spirit in one person, and I invented a set of ways how to make it. My friends, please, don't smile, there is nothing to smile at. At that time I could only be pitied!
Now I think of this time and tears flow on my cheeks. I am very sorry for that Masha who was so persistent and for so long looked for her loved one. And her beloved was not a person. He was a Spirit. He, the Spirit, played with me, so it seemed to me, he began to show at once in several men. I became puzzled: he, my favourite Spirit, began to break up to parts. How can I gather him now! It was similar to a mercury, which I pulled out from a thermometer, previously having broken it, and the mercury scattered by small droplets, and how to aggregate them?
I remembered how I did it in the childhood, and this reminiscence suggested me an idea that it is necessary to find and aggregate these in whom I met Jesus's spirit. I thought so: "They will meet and get acquainted and they will start doing something together, and through a business will create a field, a power field, which will attract all his spirit on earth in one person, and I at last will be able to meet him".
Oh, how much I dreamed about this meeting. I dreamed many years. I dreamed that I will tell him. Sometimes angered by futility of my actions I expressed to him all my offenses, I thought that if he comes as a human, the first that I do - I will spit in his face. But right after such thought for some reason I wanted to fall to his feet and cry very bitterly, and tell: "Well, how long I waited for you. How many of close people and strangers I loved. I spent all my love for them. Look, darling, after all I haven't got anything for you, except pain and grief. How can I be loved now? Of course no. Finally you are here. And I am tired. I have nothing to give you, I don't know who is guilty you or me? If you want - take my grief and pain. Perhaps you will need it for something? Only now I am unworthy of your love, because while confused you with others I burned all my feelings. And for you nothing did remain. And for you there is nothing to tell. I gave away all my words and kindness to others. Why did you come so late?!" - So I cried in the thoughts, such was my prayer to him.
And the tempter through the songs of Vladimir threw to me new and new hopes and supported them with some symbols and signs. I followed after the hope and signs and was escaping from madness. And again I was forgetting about everything and I was again in a trap as a little girl.
Vladimir sits and writes his songs, and I listen and live according to them.
"Do you understand?
- I understood!
- Forward!" - this Somebody already started to order me through the poetry.
You ask – "Why didn't you find Jesus in Oksikovskii?" I didn't find! Also I couldn't fall in love with him because everything about what wrote Vladimir and how he lived - two complete antitheses.
But I set to myself an aim to release a Spirit what lives in the poetry of Vladimir. And I did everything to set free that spirit. But I was far from it! I was exhausted after all these years. What only I didn't think of. I was ready to pawn my soul to a devil, if only spirit that lived in the songs of Vladimir became free. I asked a dark force, begged it and when saw that the arrangements don't help, I blackmailed it and threatened. I asked Vladimir himself, what should I do? On what he answered once: "What remains for you? Marry the devil".
Then I was ready even for that! A force of my illusions grew and pursued me.
But apparently once I found a way how to make so that nobody would be harmed too much. If Jesus broke up on many parts, let it be! That's even good. Let each person feel it in himself and he won't be able to live more as he lived earlier.
And I invented a vengeance to devil. I dreamed that Christ's spirit would enter into the devil! And let him grow cold to material world and he should search as I did! That was my dreadful vengeance for everything that he sent on me. But after I got frightened myself. I already new - it would be more feasible than any drug addiction.
And then I set a purpose to connect God and devil peacefully, without offenses and revenges. You can think that I taken too much on myself. But, after all, everything was only in my dreams. I didn't know then that my dreams would come true!
Now, when I tell you about the very intimate, I let you in the most secret corners of my soul. I think you also have them, maybe not the same ones, but have! I know that you already understand me. And I am sure that God and devil are too forgave me and maybe even fell in love with me for such strangenesses, as with a cleverest and an unusual woman. And it is exactly so.
In my family the father was for me an embodiment of divine force. He was strict and kind at the same time and very fair. More in my life I didn't meet such man.
But the mother was very selfish and lived only for herself. Sometimes it seemed to me that she had no heart. She didn't know love to anybody. And after death of the father I hated her and dreamed as with a flame thrower I will burn her together with home, constructed by the father. For me she was an embodiment of devil.
And when I began to realize something I decided: if I be able to reconcile in my heart the mother, the father and myself, and to find a way of connection between all - that will be a way out. It seems like a small problem, but how it was difficult for me to solve it! I understood: what occurs in the small - the same laws are also exist in the Greatest, in the CREATION.
And the way of new search in myself began, and the laws which lived in me opened, and I understood: I can.
I could forgive my tempter. And in the course of our travel to the full understanding why it happened so and not differently, I will place Volodya's verses, and I am placing an article about him.
The following chapter of the book is devoted to HIM. I want to leave you alone with HIS Verses - the Elements of God. Do investigate, at least a little, its islands. Make discoveries in the poetry of the One who directed the hand of the person with name Vladimir. Good luck to you. I will remain on the ship.
I want to lift the status of the poet, and I hope that the written verses still will open Vladimir Oksikovskii's understanding, and a high Spirit of the prophet will start talking through him. We will hope. It is necessary for people, it is necessary for Earth. So, I want to see the poet. That is only my imagination and my Light are shedding on his Soul. What if a fine flower will grow there?
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