The fourth chapter of the book:
My God offered me to write of myself. That is so difficult in one book to express all life, not deviate from truth and to write of main. To show that behind each success or happy case stands a great labour of soul, the years of reflection and an active advance through downfalls and takeoffs, impasses and inspirations.
With birth of each person on Earth - a new Universe is born. And once I was born as a new Universe, which in a physical form was embodied on the earthly plan.
What will become of the Universe? It is very important to the one who trains it from its childhood. My grandmother was very kind and tought me to prays and songs of God. She christened me secretly from grandfather, and the name Maria was given to me.
My grandfather was very strict, he worked as a chairman of a collective farm and believed with devotion only in communism. Everything that appeared at home he attempted to give to the collective farm.
My childhood I lived in poverty. Once we were hungry and with the grandmother took some corn-cobs for the house in the collective-farm area. The grandfather found out about it and ordered to bring them back to the collective farm and threatened to prosecute us. When it was hunger I remember eating makuha (pressed shells from sunflower seeds). Often it was coldish and hungry, but brightly, joyfully and merrily.
By the end of the life the grandfather got disappointed in the ideas of communism, but he always liked order in the house. The grandfather had own understanding of order, and it was different from mine and the grandmother's. In the village they were afraid of him, and our family earned the nickname “Kajuka” that means in translation from Ukrainian and Byelarussian - "I'd tell.." - the continuation everyone new: "Go and work!" It was grandfather doctrine for everybody.
My father was a wonderful person, scientist, inventor, and at leisure time he, in the shed at night, was inventing a perpetuum mobile. I remember, as he at night excitedly paced the room and spoke with himself or would awake me and tell : "A little more and it will work! You understand?!"
From my early childhood he read to me an adult books. When I was 5 years old he read for me aloud a book of Stefan Zweig "Maria Stuart". Since then I dreamed, if I die then it has to be same courageous as her, or - not to die at all.
The father was my great teacher. All his life inventing perpetuum mobiles and different machines, he as result invented me. And I was his main and most important invention.
All the main events in my life took place at 6 years old, and I learned to speculate of life, death and infinity being 6 years old.
Once I was given a real sparrow, I hooked it by a thread and was turning it around myself. And suddenly slap... and silence. My feathered friend slammed of pole and died, it was an explosion of consciousness. - "Death! Why?!" I protested against brittleness of this world. A first revolt against God. And then my ideas of life and death and a protest: "I do not want to die! I don't want everybody to perish! I want that all my friends and I would live! I will not die! I will always live".
These ideas are strengthened in me as years went by and overgrew now to a firm belief: "These whom I truly love, and who loves me, will not die! That's it!".
My lake, wood and birds were always near. Nature assisted me to think, people did not hinder me. My thoughts and dreams were taken a large part of my life, and in the external life I was dissipated, and frequently I was named "Masha-daydreamer".
I knew nothing of good and evil and did not think about it. My friends were children and the question: "How this Universe can be infinite?" - troubled me more than all external acts of people.
When I became 12 the father said me: "You not a medal on a neck - go to work". And I weeded the collective-farm's banks, gardens, worked with the father on the machines invented by him.
The father did not believe in communism, he believed in labour. If somebody from the grown-ups tried to fascinate me by the religion, he would say : "God likes more a working one, than one who prays". And he taught me to like any labour.
At 6, for the first time, without permission, I took from the neighbours some lustrous balls from the roller bearings. The father found out about it, and suggested me to bring them back and admit the theft, kneel and ask forgiveness. I went through such feeling of shame and humiliation that never again took nothing of other's.
The father tought me: "If something lies on the road and not yours - don't touch! Remember, God it's a human conscience. Forget about clothes for adorning your body, remember of own soul. Let not the body, but the soul be beautiful".
I acquired all his lessons for all my life.
Once on a market with the father I found 100 roubles - it was a whole fortune, I was happy and shared with gladness and dreams of the purchases with the father.
I remember his austere face and words: "Okey, choose - or you want to purchase for these money all that you want and will bring a grief to someone, maybe, these money were assembled by an old woman, and it is her last money, or you will have nothing for yourself, but you will make someone happy, returning the money".
I chose not my dreams. I chose a somebody's happiness. So, already in the childhood, my way of not simply a girl and a woman, but of Mother Goddess was designated. But then I didn't suspect about it. I simply became HER.
And so was always with the father. He tought me to choose the worst for myself and the best for others, and I opened a greatest happiness in myself, when on the first place I did put a happiness of other people.
The father taught me to live for other people, and I learnt a true happiness of serving not myself, but people. The one in whom from his childhood were noted the same partialities, who was deficient of egoism, who carried it till this day, can easily name himself a God or a Goddess. If in you there is no intention to live for others I, on your place, would abstain, in order not to fall after with a shame before a top court of my God.
My father departed from the life early, and my way proceeds without father, but his doctrine lives in my heart. Though time now has changed a lot, and it is impossible to live for people, as God left all the people, but it is necessary to live not in the name of oneself, but in the name of Mother Nature and planet Earth.
Being 16 I left to the town Bryansk, entered a studying, and in five years finished the institute, I became an electromechanical engineer in the town's electric transport.
O, how many surprising things happened in these 5 years. How many friends, as it seemed to me, I met. I had no enemies. In the school, and in the institute I had a law - at first I did a task for all and after - for myself. And consequently all were my "friends", and they always competed who will share the same desk with me.
I bathed in love, giving my love to people, and all people were perfect to me. Human mud was covered from my eyes and didn't touch my soul. When you give - mud departs to darkness, and light penetrates your soul. If you give to Mother Nature and to natural people you will be cleansed.
If I met those who wanted to control me, and there were loads of them - I, with pleasure, gave up myself under their control and was happy. My inside life, an invisible world, world of my dreams, very perfect world which I was inventing myself for myself, without boundaries developed rapidly inside me, and I didn't manage and was oriented badly in the external world, and I needed some managers.
And they always were beside me. Some tyrants and vampires felt well near me and were satisfied by me. And I always felt good, because until they decided for me what to do, I could travel inside of my private world and to dream, dream about all - of other countries, of other planets, of big love, of heroic feats.
And to me it was already entirely unimportant - where to go, what to wear, what to eat, because, while I drank or ate, at this time inside me I played. For example - I am a singer who by her voice and song conquers the world, and because of her all the people are becoming some kind magicians. And externally I could wash floors - and here - it's not a cloth, but a microphone. And I put all my diligence and force in the work, as if it was a song, my benefit performance.
And so I played many years. My imaginations were becoming such wild - I was been a whole ocean, a lacteal way, a mouse and a butterfly, not mentioning all possible trades of people, I liked to be a singer, because in the childhood the mother said me that I sing badly, and I was afraid to sing.
I played months, years - there were some serials with around 1000 series. And, of course, the force of all occurring inside was so great and seized me so much that if somebody tried to convince me in something external, I agreed easily, only in order not to interrupt my inner fairy tale and flow of dreams, so not to lose a play's thread.
Imagine - somebody says me of some dirty utensils or of an unsolved problem, and I am in the dreams as a president solving some problems of war and peace on Earth. Of course, I agree to make all what they ask, so only not to tear down a run of my reflections and dreams.
And then, suddenly, once my private world of dream began to get outside and, at the top of the voice, declared of itself in the external life - as a boiling broth raising a saucepan cover and splashing into this life. Like that the world of my dreams got outside the limits of my private world and presented itself in the external life, and then all what I imagined started to come true. And a fairy tale began.
And here are my fairy tail peaks: after the institute, by assignment, I go in the town of Gorkii, to work as a mechanic- foreman. I work with gladness, with gratitudes in the work-record card. I am offered an engineer's position on a complete set, and offered to train engineers.
One my acquaintance, a main engineer, said me: "When you tell how electric current goes on a trolleybus outline, I feel that it goes in my soul". - Why? - Because I included electric circuit to the world of my imaginations and on the spot was becoming a charged particle in a conductor. And around me there were many same particles, and they were some small fluffy balls, and I spoke with them, and my explanation - it was their story, how the electric current goes in conductor.
At 6 years old I was asked: "Whom do you want to be?" - I answered - "A teacher of mankind!" And suddenly I open and learn a gladness of teaching, and take to the heart that job.
Then I get married and leave to Moscow, to the family of my husband.
My way to the capital city it's as a way to fantastic world. From outskirts I get to the world of paints, new sounds, smells, so distinct from my childhood in the wood. This world began to whirl and carried me away - many things for the first time - I started to try to smoke cigarettes, but still never really smoked, I didn't inhale the smoke and only spent cigarettes; I started to drink different wines; new companies, new attitudes. A first pineapple, some fruits from overseas, a new poetry, a new music. How many revelations! How much of knowledge!
My new family is wonderful. The husband's mother is a philosopher and a scientist. The father is just a person-legend, a dissident, a Creator, a friend of Sakharov, Aksenov, lubimov. Our neighbours in the summer house are also wonderful people. Peter Leonidovich Kapiza with his magic laboratory presented to him whether by Bor, whether by Einstein himself; Vassily Livanov, a hero of favourite cartoon film, an artist, a friend of the cosmonauts themselves. And all this had no end.
The external life carries me out, but the inner one is strong as well, and one transverses to another. That is already a continuous carnival of life. All is mixing and turning in uniformed dance of charm and admiration by life, worlds, people.
So I live in two lives - in an external life among people and in an inside life among images, of which nobody from surroundings does not guess. But the inner life is more real and strong than the external one.
Soon one more new plan emerges in my external life. I go to work as a teacher to a vocational technical school and I devote 12 years of my life to this work.
With such relatives and environment I could find something more prestigious, but I didn't think of it - I was attracted by teenager's world. There displayed my total absence of self-interest and an aspiration to knowledge. And that also indicates not a common person, those are Mother's goddess acts. Who can do the same?
And here already I have two lives: in the vocational technical school with children from unsuccessful families, difficult teenagers, who I grew fond of as of my own children, and other - meeting with celebrities and legendary people.
High and low meets in my heart and incorporates to one love circuit. A goddess wakes up and ripens in my soul, but not realizing herself yet. There is a long and difficult way ahead.
Simultaneously emerges a third plan - friendly sit-round gatherings with verses, with guitar, a fourth - travel by kayaks on rivers, fires and songs of Yury Vizbor and Okudjava. And these songs became for me a guide to action and an essence of my life.
I believed to these songs as to myself. Possibly for a common person it will be naivety, but for a Goddess it is a way.
“When a first war - that is no one's fault,
when a second war - someone's fault,
and when a third war - that is my fault,
and my fault is visible to all”.
In the town of Kazan explodes the factory, I cry and believe what that is also my fault. And it is so. If you the one who came to rescue Earth and mankind, then it cannot be the other way.
If some of you had something similar, know - Goddess is getting born in you, and you have a mission for mankind. For you it is impossible to live for yourself and earthly life is not your lot.
My husband who was not bullying me and was not an entirely common husband in earthly understanding, favourably accepts my sensitivity as a marvel, and on the dacha warns all the academicians at acquaintance with me: "Don't be surprised - our Masha is from wood".
At these times that was strange to speak with trees and flowers, but I was loved and forgiven. I bribed everyone by my diligence and instant response and intention to serve the one who would ask. This service was hiding in me some new future qualities, not subjected to earthly passions and intentions.
In parallel I studied in the teacher's college evening department. And my imagination was developing and living by the songs of Vizbor, Okudjava: "Don't close your door, let it be open". These words were embodying into action, and the doors of my house and my soul I always held open.
And also - "The Little Prince" by Sent-E'kzyuperi. All this became my Bible. I gave birth to a son. I had a break in the pedagogical work, but I managed to master and taught about 14 subjects - from technical drawing and computer repair to aesthetics.
But here is a new life and a new experience of motherhood. The child, home, jams, pickles. And I get carried away by a new form of life. A first disagreement with the husband. Once he asked me: "What would you do if you had a million?". I answered: "I'd give it to the children of Africa!". The husband was flatly against such views. He lived for the sake of money and pleasures.
Our views at active actions in this world turned out to be opposite. And ideological contradictions led us to divorce, I lost the earthly family. Some void was formed, I searched for someone to fill it. And in my life emerges an enemy who for some time overshadows all my world. A person comes and brings his passion. His passion absorbs the world of my imagination. The world of my imagination as if disappears, and I fall into a cell of illusion. All the world concentrates on the enemy, and 5 years, surprising and awful, as terrible sleep. I learn a tyranny, a real demonic men's tyranny, which as a black hole devours my soul.
Further the road goes to a void, a chasm. I take the first steps and drop in an abyss, a meaning of the life gets lost, and comes the death of the soul. And then a revival from dead. All is real, all of this is not an imagination, it was a struggle for existence of my world. Either his world or mine. And I won the right to life of world of my imagination in an unbelievable and unequal struggle.
Once I went through an accident in a bus - it slided to the precipice and made 5 turn-overs - I had time to think before the death about everything in the world. By God's will I left alive.
These five turn-overs in the bus already then presented to me five years of future painful tyranny. With my enemy I each day learned a death of the soul. He would clap the door, insult me, and leave, my world faded away, and darkness reigned in it. God raised me from the chasm and revived my soul, and I began to see the world's light again, and as Phoenix bird revived from ashes. As soon as it happened the enemy was coming back and damped my light.
And so - during of these five long years the fight for the world of my has soul lasted. How could I knew then, in my 16 years, that in the future these turn-overs together with the bus, this accident, will turn for me with the years of tyranny!
If that would happen now I'd throw him out and he would never find the way back. But I was naive and thought that he can improve. My first and rough error, my biggest illusion continued for many many years: It seemed to me that people are capable to correct by the act of my education. Never. Only circumstances of life change people, but admonitions and education do not do it. Life corrects, not people. And even Mother Goddess cannot make nothing if person does not want to be corrected. But I tried to correct a spoilt human nature.
My forces were running out, and then an entreaty to God broke away: "My God! Do not extinguish a fire in my heart!.. I am ready to take any sufferings if only not to lose belief in you, if only my fire as always would burn! And any misfortune won't scare me along with it!"
And God heeds me, I suffer the death in reality, physical, clinical as exit to other world. And it was as a dream.
I saw that there, in the next world, I met by В. Vysozkii and he offers me to remain in the skies, but suddenly I remember of Earth and ask to return me back in order to help friends and children, and I am returned to Earth, and all my illnesses are disappearing, and a new life begins. And this demonic person, the enemy of mine, disappears as if he never was.
But before his disappearance I saw my last life in which he killed me. There was the first world war. I saw myself as a nurse, I crept over the field with a wounded, and suddenly behind felt someone's presence. It was him, in a German uniform. He pierced me by a rifle bayonet. In this life he was given a chance to correct his sin. To kill a nurse is not a simple sin, it is a mortal sin. He is not only didn't correct his sin, he aggravated his situation. What will be with him on the Top Court, you can imagine. He wouldn't be excused. But that is enough of him. We go further through my biography.
Soon after, in Moscow, I am becoming a director of a concert department. One of the major landmarks in my life was meeting and arrival to my house of Vladimir Oksikovskii, my angel-keeper nominated to be my conductor in understanding of my beloved God.
God of Gods gave him his abilities to be an ingenious poet, musician and performer. Vladimir sang by the voice and words of God of God, he sang of depths of human soul, of it Divine substance. God of God's in such manner sent me to Earth his form as music and songs, which were executed by Vladimir Oksikovskii. Like that I should realize my favourite God and to make up his image, broken by thousand of fractions for the sake of people. I began the collection of fractions of his soul up to the whole image through a poetry, which was left to me by God in this poet.
And of course no matters a physical form of the poet Vladimir Oksikovskii, the fact is that for many years through this form was talking to me the one who was always nominated to me by future, who was my eternal love. And, not at ones, but I understood the truth that the sole my spouse and God talked with particular purpose: to preserve the knowledges worked out on Earth and to transfer them to a new world.
And I listened this discussion and speculated, and it was a dialogue of my soul and Creator of this world, God of Gods, my eternal spouse. And I understood that he chooses those who weak and defective, because only through an empty vessel it is possible to pass most accurately what God wanted to say. And that is the error committed by many people, to confuse a poet's body and an essence which God poured in it.
I didn't confuse. And for me the poet's poetry was as letters from unknown and far away distance in which my God was lost. And all songs transferred through the poet were letters from far-off, and I discovered that like that God enables people, fallen souls, to bring out what he wants to say to a soul.
Poetry becomes a great teacher of my soul in realization of God in human, and opens to me a greatness and beauty of human soul, which was from the Beginning of Times. God leads me to repentance and release. He opens to me a gladness of repentance and presents wings. I begin to remember the past.
I try to help the poet in singer's career. I didn't see any indifferent person after his songs, but he doesn't manage to come to a wide audience. And now I understand that such was his mission: to bring these songs up to me. And next: God fulfills the poet's earthly wishess and releases him to live his earthly life. And I become the verses audience and I embody the songs in the life.
The songs became my programming document of life. A melancholy about Christ, an unknown God, awakes an urge to search for him on Earth. "...Do you want me to give birth to all mankind again, only not to see that he is crucified, as a slave…"
At that time I still remembered nothing of my God, I only searched for Him intuitively. And these searches gave birth to most unbelievable programs of life for mankind.
A program of enlightenment for all technical training colleges of the city of Moscow, a project of my dream “Children's state” based on love, and a craftsman's city has born, and also an organization “The School of Stars” for the gifted children arises.
By the will of chance the program gets to Portugal to the president of “Eurotalent”, a member of the European Parliament, Lyus Nazareth, and unexpectedly he comes to Moscow for a personal acquaintance.
As a result of meeting with Lyus Nazareth I became a Member of “Eurotalent” and “European Parliament”.
In parallel, accidentally, I got to Poland, to a pilgrimage, to meeting with a Pope. My conception falls in his hands. And after a month I receive a letter with a personal blessing from him.
And further - miracles, as a lump of snow, and people, people, people. And all that through my house. The house transforms into a nuclear reactor and accelerating a circle for transformation of the world and mankind. But then I did not realize the occurring and went by instinct of my soul.
There is no time for myself. But all changed. A saucepan with my imaginations boils, and where is reality, where - imagination - I ceased to distinguish. All my dreams and ideas started to come true. And my dreams became reality, and the reality - an imagination.
My world of imagination, as dough on yeasts, didn't want to live inside anymore, it got out to the external world and created, changed this world according to my imaginations. For someone then it seemed unbelievable. Now, when the world is really changed, people already understand what is such - a realization of imagination, and its flow to reality is a physical law of cosmos, and it is an objective reality.
Then for the first time I felt myself as Creator not only of my own life, but also a World's Creator. It was a miracle! However - some failures and afflictions also happened.
All came to me what I outlined involuntary and purposely, and I understood that my distresses and failures are my distorted dreams. "...I wanted to make an iron - but suddenly turned out an elephant..."
And further the events are developing in the next way: melancholy for Christ and unknown God, about Love, becomes sharp and keen. I learnt a passion, but it faded away, in order never arise anymore, my enemy was stricken, but he still pursued me. And idea emerges to become free from the enemy who excited passions in me, as himself was a source of this vice. I unriddled a passion's impact mechanism and broke a code lock of all passions, got free from anyone's emotions, started to distinguish my Nature from overs, imposed me by this man-enemy, of whom I wrote above, and who has already killed me in the first world war.
My free thought gives birth to a meeting with a person from Germany, which offers me a release from the persuasive enemy, already defeated by me. And I get married. This marriage can be named fictitious, as the guy from Germany knew my situation, and very much wanted to help me. I already thought that I will live in Germany.
Further there is a travel to Germany. There I understand that this country is not for my soul. It is a desert. And, with a new heart sparked by love to my country and people, I come back home. I was ready to kiss my Earth, to embrace all the people. I understood how I am happy to be born in USSR.
And a new phase in my life and searches begun. I passed all the religious and intellectual flows on the look-out for Christ and myself on Earth. To Christ number 21 I believed by all my soul. I do not want to write his name in order not to voice this name.
All the Christs I met up before him were quickly showing themselves as some phoney egoists and ignorant parvenus. This one seemed to me real, and in some of his habits and movements were some painfully familiar reminiscences. And he even had something in him from my father.
I sell everything and leave to build a community in Siberia. At the same time I assist to this person in his trips to Israel and Europe. In two years I got sure that he is worse and more terrible than all others. But it was late. I lost all material and understood that it's impossible to live on Earth by only spirit. And again - a death of the soul and fear before life. I had different thoughts, even to go out from this life.
But God gives me a chance, and I travel to India. A long way from the South to North of India in search of knowledges, teachers and own home, which I don't have now on Earth, because I gave it out by my own hands to the phoney egocentrist from the Siberian town. This fake Christ didn't take any responsibility for my life, but he took easily my material values and money. And I had to rise from the void and absence of material well-being, from poverty by myself. I always was assisted by some miracles.
And again a miracle. In Himalayas I found a tantra-yoga teacher. Being happy, I come back to Russia. Some trips, meetings and unsatisfied thirst for knowledges. In a few months - a letter from India from my teacher, he writes: "If you want all your dreams come true, come immediately and join me".
I travel to the teacher. He offers me the greatest knowledges of Earth on the condition that I forget about all my friends and my country.
I categorically refuse.
But this is already a new story of my life and now it shouldn't be described. My dear favourite people will learn this history by my deeds on Earth. It really is my new way. The way of grief, the way of naivety ended, when I was deceived and used by all who wasn't lazy - a way of love opened.
TO KNOW - MEANS TO BE ABLE.
- We are going forward,
We are going upward,
It is a sign that the team is already gathered,
We recognize each other after so many years
By the smiles and shining of eyes.