TELL, WHERE YOU CAME FROM?
I came to myself from the childhood. And the people who surrounded, and what registered in the feelings since the moment as I remember myself came to my mind.
And I remember myself since being three years old. In the soul lives the first love for a boy who was dressed in a sailor's form. I don't remember his name, but the eyes I still remember, and the hands, very kind and tender.
I was born in a small village with strange name of Mytnichi, our house stood on the high mountain, and there flew a small river at the foot of it. I liked to sit with the boy on the bank and to play one wonderful game. He showed a great interest to my body and its structure, and I - to his. Studying our bodies together, we found out an essential distinctions, which strongly surprised me. But there was no one to ask.
By ourselves together we looked for the answers. Why there is a difference? Soon there was a very simple answer: to distinguish where is a girl, and where - a boy, and not to mix up. And girls and boys exist on the earth to love each other. We learned to love as it is done by adults. A shy imitation of embraces opened in both of us some inexplicable feelings of tenderness not only to each other, but also to everything that surrounded us. The experience was rather poor, and soon we exhausted the matter, and the boy went with parents to a far away city.
He left forever, we didn't meet any more, but a sense from the meeting and feeling of tenderness remains in me up to now.
Also I remember my grandmother and a House of Childhood. A roof covered with straw, dark senets and a room with a big stove. On the stove is warm and comfortable. In the stove the grandmother bakes bread and cooks a borsch and porridge in a cast-iron pot. In the left corner under an icon a big table at which we consumed. Anything - lunch, breakfast and dinner were called in one word - to consume.
At food with the grandfather reigned a certain rules, which nobody dared to violate. On the table was placed a pot with food, everyone was given a chunk of bread and a wooden spoon. The spoons were put next to the pot. By a look of the grandfather everyone together should take the spoons, to scoop and, supporting them by bread, so not to drip on the table, to eat, and again - put the spoons next to the pot. And, if I wasn't in time or hurried, the grandfather beat me, by all his force, on the forehead so that a huge lump swelled up. Nobody broke the rule, only I, because of a constant thoughtfulness, was disseminated and often was hit on the forehead.
In the middle of the room, on a ceiling, was hammered a hook, and on it a swing hung. I very much liked to ride: over the oven, over the table - and I almost was reaching till grandmother's icon.
While flew, I studied the icon. Why is it in the house? Why the grandfather swears on the grandmother when finds her furtively christened at the icon? And why the grandmother calls this aunt - the Mother of God and the little baby - the God?
Soon I drew own conclusions: all aunts with children are Mothers God, and me? Who is me then? The answer came by itself: I am small and therefore I am a God.
Next I had to know who is God? Why my name is Maria and what is my real name, if everybody call me Maria, and I call myself God?
The grandmother explained that God is very kind, all-powerful, not angry and lives in the sky. By children's naivety, for days, I reflected: "How is that? If God lives in the sky, how did I got left on earth? I should find out from the grandmother how did I appear here".
The grandmother smiled mysteriously and told that I been found in a cabbage. I even shuddered. A guess brought a wild joy. Pleasure overflowed the heart. As mad, I ran over the cabbage and was surprised to myself: "Aha, now I know how I came here! I fell from the sky in the cabbage! But it is so high?! How didn't I break? Was it painful? Did I got badly hurt?"
Again I run to the grandmother: "Grandmother and when you found me, I cried? Was I hurt?"
The grandmother is surprised with my question: "Why do you need all that? Of course you cried. Not cried, but shouted very loudly".
Okey. Now all been clear to me. It is so surprising that I fell directly from the sky! I should retire and think of all this properly. If I am a God, so I am kind. It was clear to me. But what the word "all-powerful" means - I couldn't reveal by myself.
But immediately there was a new question: And who is the grandfather then? He always so bad. Also behaves very strangely with the grandmother. For example, he tells her: "Eudoxia, bring me that!" And what is "that" - doesn't say.
And the grandmother if didn't guess this "that" jumped out in a window, and I - together with her, and we hid in that cabbage, where I fell from sky. "What is "what is that" riddle? Perhaps the grandmother wants to return back, on the sky? Then I fly together with her!"
Sometimes she didn't manage to escape, and then the grandfather beat her with what came to him in hand. And the grandmother was silently taken a beating and then furtively cried. Ones I asked her why she suffers and won't hit the grandfather too with something.
On what the grandmother timidly crossed and told: "God suffered and ordered the same to us". I drew the conclusion: "God - is the one who often catches it, and he has to be silent and not to answer".
Understanding that I am God, was confirmed. I also suffer. I'm too often getting it on the forehead with a spoon. Means, by this I should be proud inside and if it is painful, tell nothing to anybody. Possible cry but furtively.
But if I am God, so the grandmother - Mother God? Now is left to learn who is the grandfather? I asked the grandmother: "From whom the God suffered? Whether there is somebody except God?" The grandmother told that God suffered from angry people, and except God there is still an evil spirit, with named Satan. Satan is evil and harms people.
"Aha, now it is clear to me who we have as a grandfather!"
- the conclusion guided at new questions. "Grandmother, but what God does together with Satan?"
The grandmother spitted out through her shoulder three times, crossed herself and told: "He connives him to create an evil affairs". – "And what means - connive?" - "Well, for example, as you still small and unreasonable, you are afraid to go out to the toilet at night, and I allow you to do it in the lobby in a bucket, though it is bad, and in the lobby after smells badly". – "Thanks, dear grandmother. It seems I understand now everything!"
The grandmother was delighted that I so quick-witted, to myself I thought: "So, the grandfather shouldn't live together with us, but as he is the Satan, he is unreasonable and therefore he is allowed to live, fight, swear, though all this smells badly. Any way, there is nowhere for him to do that in heavens. The grandmother puts up with him, and I have to tolerate".
A great pride that I will now also suffer and will never cry in front of Satan, and only furtively will shed tears as the grandmother, filled my children's heart.
And now the bumps on the forehead seemed not essential, because I had something much more interesting - a Secret. "And I won't tell it to anybody, even to the grandmother!" And the secret burned down my heart! I trembled with one thought that only I know that I am God, and our grandfather - Satan! And this secret gave to actions of the grandfather and grandmother absolutely another value, it was similar to a wonderful fairy tale, and I witnessed and even slightly participated in all that fantastic events.
And of course, as a result, I live in a fairy tale, and where people can take offense, and children to cry when they are punished, I was silent, took pride, was stubborn and smiled with such smile that confused even the grandmother - that she, looking at me, often crossed herself. If I didn't know that the grandfather is Satan, it would be impossible to suffer his mockeries, but the knowledge did me strong and invincible.
The father worked somewhere far away, appeared once a week and brought a whole bag of candies, which I liked to distribute to the neighbour's children, for what I had a scolding from the mother, and she shouted: "Well, she is crazy, as the grandma, gives out everything! And understands nothing. Only smiles!" My smile infuriated the mother, and she dragged me, grabbing my hair, and I continued to suffer and be silent. You understand, why.
The mother also argued with the grandfather. Once they even fought. And I drew a conclusion that my father is also God, only big. And mother, as well as grandfather, is Satan! "Aha, there two of them, and three of us! We never quarrel with the grandmother and the father and we don't fight, and they fight". And I observed all situations from outside, and they for me became comical.
I opened for myself that Satan is really silly and tries to confuse everything in the world, because of own stupidity, it thinks too much about himself and thinks that he is the cleverest.
It was so funny, and it began to seem that the grandfather doesn't swear, but simply pulls faces. And, of course, I sometimes didn't restrain and laughed my head off over his cries. If the grandfather or the mother saw such, they simply flew into rage. And then I was getting it in the full program.
Putting a plantain to the bruises, I thought: "If Satan knew what there're more of us, and any way we are going to win, and that is simply a fascinating game for a more interesting living. If he'd learn, what I fall from the sky, how would he change the attitude towards me? Probably both, the grandfather and mother, would begin to cry and ask that we, with the grandmother and the father, take them on the sky! Of course it is interesting, but... then my Secret will disappear!"
And I drew in the imagination some pictures of how Satan suddenly will disappear. However, I was slightly pitying to the grandfather and the mother. But all the same. They are guilty. When there is will be no more of them, we'd begin to live so happily! I asked the grandmother: "Can Satan disappear from the face of earth?" - "Yes, child, surely. He will fail under earth. But it will happen not soon, at the end of times".
"Aha, - I thought, - but, grandmother, when the end of times will come? When I grow up big?" The grandmother reflected, I didn't breathe: "Perhaps, like that. But only God knows about it. When he wants - then it happens".
Here even hair on my head stood on end, and from excitement terribly ached the stomach. "Grandma, I want to the toilet!" - and I ran, like a mad, in the garden, under my favourite cherry tree.
I lay down. The thoughts flew easily and freely. I felt like a bird. I rose on the sky! I soared over the earth and I exulted: "So, if I would have the strong wish the grandfather and mother will fail under the earth. Also there will be the end of times!. Only... I pity them. Well, all right, let them live with us, temporarily, until I grow up". - And the thought that the destiny of Satan in my hands, made from my life a mysterious and fascinating game.
I didn't play childish games at all. And what they to me? I liked to play in my dreams, where i was a full hostess and could think of anything I wanted. The grandfather overloaded us with the grandmother with a job, and even working since the small years with a flail on the barnyard, I wasn't tired because in these minutes it was especially well dreamed.
And so proceeded till I was six. I stayed in the joyful delusions, about which nobody suspected and therefore couldn't destroy. Or perhaps - on the contrary? Perhaps then I understood everything correctly? But at six there happened some events, which changed the course of my dreams. But about this a bit later.